Language: English. Mood: Horrified. Listening to: Cicadas. There's a mosquito in my mom's bedroom (which I've monopolized, sorry mom). Drinking: Water, cappuccino solubile. Eating: Cheese sandwiches, albicocche. Watching: Nothing. Reading: Nothing. Playing: Fran Bow. Moon: I dunno. Weather: Just right.
22:59
I'm playing Fran Bow and I haven't left the house all day because of that and IG reels.
I probably should stop letting myself be so easily ragebaited, but unfortunately I also like to ragebait.
Everyone deserves what they seminate sow, I guess.
Yesterday I had the most roundabout lesson in life I could receive: I talked to yet another younger coworker who reminded me so much of myself in those years!
Omg, I would never trade the maturity peacefulness I have today for those anxiety filled days. No thanks, never again.
I remember feeling bad for every single problem of the world, like today but exaggerated to the point of becoming fatigued; but, as I told a friend of mine some time ago, with aging comes a sort of demoralizing acceptance of the state of the world and with that you learn to become more selfish and think about your issues, who are already enough to tire you out in the evening.
I'm not afraid of the Deep State anymore; the Deep State should be afraid of me.
I don't exactly know why, since I know nothing, but I feel like every debt and injury to nature and innocents will be repaid in the end.
I think information tops money because it grants you the power, but I also have this feeling that a strong sense of self can top information.
In other words, I feel very warded right now. Still poisoned, but defended.
My mind is my own castle.
Plus, yeah, always rage against the machine, by any means, we need more concerning for others that stems in rage, not in fear.
It was very pleasant, though. And also demoralizing.
The kids aren't doing well. They're fine, but they see blacker than what I used to... And I was/am depressed, I felt dying every single day throughout all of my entire journey in school, so I would know.
We talked a lot about the world situation, the school system, university, the systematic mobbing elders reserve to youngests (I forgot to mention to her that they also treat especially bad the women, who are the majority there though! Both male and female seniors) and part-timers, the old men inside that factory who try to flirt with young women who could be their daughters, driving lessons (she and another new coworker agree my driving school is leeching on me), family issues, travels, future plans...
It was truly pleasant, although I let her talk more because she clearly needed to vent.
The day before that, I had another conversation which left a bit of resentment in me with a coworker who started around the same time I've also did.
I was so disappointed because at some point he said:
"Yeah, well, co-living with your partner becomes so boring that at this point I think we should make a kid to have something in common again, although I'd rather remain childless."
Plus, other backhanded devaluating comments on his relationship and the woman he's together with.
I blinked so hard when he said that because in the last week I've only happened to have conversations with young women who resent their fathers for not taking the time to build relationships with them.
In this day and age is shocking getting to know that so many young men carry on the same shitty mentality around partners and kids.
Fucking grow up.
Anyways, I'm writing this because I'm here asking myself how and when and why should I make my kids (who I desire) and with whom (because, come on, look at that) and I am feeling restless because as much as I'd like to have kids, I acknowledge that the world is so bleak right now that I genuinely fear for my imaginary spawn! Lmao.
I think the world used to be even darker... But once upon a time, community ties were stronger. Sure, bad things used to happen and still happen in strong communities and maybe I wouldn't even like a community that encages my identity and makes up yet more social constructs and all... But it is so important to have trust and hope and I think children these days don't have that.
They manage and they do their best! But it makes my eyes a little prickly.
Anyways, I don't plan on making any kids right now: not because of scarcity even, but mainly because I don't want them yet.
I don't feel like it, I don't have anyone I feel I like.
I also need to secure some resources and stuff before and I need to secure my pets as well because they're also family and I would rather care for them right now than another human being.
After all, I'm still a big misanthrope.
Well, that's it for now, I'm going to correct spelling, grammar, syntax and formatting tomorrow.
Fran Bow is lost in the woods right now...
All in all, today I am grateful for: the chills, the chilling, handhelds, videogames, albicocche, sandwiches, my mom, the bedroom I stolen, the weather.
Dreams dreamed: 0